Fader;

This vulnerability, this pain, this desire for things to rewind to how it used to be, this craving, this deepest of deepest of affection, it will all consume you, slowly, like cancer spreading out through your body.

I would know, because the amount of love I have for you in unmeasurable, but at the same time it's reaping me into parts.

And the worst part is, I can't control it, I can't fight it, I can't stop it.

 I don't know how else to let you know, or how else to show you how much I want things to be normal again.

I love you, I always had, I always will.

*****************

Dream a little dream of me.

I Can't Make You Love Me;

Because I fear this vulnerability, this shattering essence that makes it all so easy for you to just enter right back into my life, with just with one hug, one kiss, one touch.

Because I fear of being put in the state of disappointment again, but at the same time, the fear of losing you once and for all overwhelms every minute fear that's left out there. Because I know, that the pain of not having you right next to me kills tenfolds.

I pray that tonight you'd fully open yourself to me, to fully open yourself to the feelings inside you, to fully open yourself to the possibilities of us being stronger than ever.

I need you to see this, I hope you'd see this.

Let's just hold each other close for one more time, for one last time because we'll make it through, I swear we would. Hand in hand, heart to heart.

I need you to trust me, to trust your heart, and to trust in us because I know that deep down in you, there's a fire ready to burn it's flames out, because I still choose to believe in this thread of hope left in us. This is how much faith I still have in you, in this.

I love you.

***************

Because she'll never have,

what we had.

The Art Of Getting By;

We could have tried. We could have been better. We could have been more than just a pair of broken hearts.

Because this is the only sanctum where I feel that my desires are heard, where there's no room for disappointment, for despair, for let downs, but only filled with hope. I must admit I miss you quite terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby. I go to bed early and rise up late and I still feel as if I have hardly slept, with my mind circling with thoughts of you even in the realm of unconsciousness, with every growing hope of holding you by the minute.

I miss you, and every inch of your fiber being. Every memory, every little joy you've brought in my life still plays on repeat, like an antique gramophone, projecting every thread of recollection left as clear as possible, lingering through every vein in my body.

Sing me songs, hold me close, whisper into my ears, fill me with tales of your days, let me know how annoying I am, let you know how well you can dress, let you climb on to me whenever you see me, let me kiss your forehead when we hug, let me stare into your eyes, let me tell you lullabies, let you teas me fat, let you force me to carry you and do carry-ups wherever you're at, let me tell you about your friends, let me hug you and touch your hand, let you call me whenever you miss me, let you call me whenever you need me. These are the things that I love the most, that I miss the most, that I'd wish we'd honestly fall back into, because these are just some of the joys you've delivered through your existence, and these little joys are strong enough to remain scarred in my heart, forever and always.

I'm sorry for everything. For the state we are in now, for the regrets that has made us this way, for whatever that has happened that I wished would not have happened. For the things that were not said when it was supposed to, for the things that were not done when it could have. For the bad times that have led to our downfall, for the good times that we've taken granted on. For everything that has made us fear each other. For the times I wished and hoped with every inch of my being that things will turn around hopefully. For the times I miss you, and for the times that I hope that even now, with things so ugly, that this would all change to be better. Because I miss you, and I swear, I'd kill the world just to hug you now, because I still love you with every glimmer of hope left in me.

But the thing is, do you see the light in my heart?

I've never stopped loving you, and I don't think I ever will, not now, not in the near future, not ever just because you're still the one who can make my knees tremble and tear down every single inch of armor I've learned to build against you, with the sound of your voice, the scent of your hair, the touch of your hand, the sight of your presence.

So open up your heart, let yourself feel, don't close it up on me, not on us, not just yet because we can be stronger, like we have been and you know that. Take my hand and take this leap of faith with me. Trust yourself, trust me, trust in us for just one last time.

Because darling, love doesn't end just because we don't see each other because in my eyes, you'll always be nothing less than marvelous.

If you're still reading this, I love you forever; whatever happens. Until I die and after I die, and when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I'll drift about forever, all my atoms, until I find you again, and I hope that deep down somewhere you'd still feel the same thing too. I pray that you won't shut us out just yet, not just yet honeybee.

Have a shot at writing this fairytale one more time, just one more time.





***********************

Hands down,

this is the best day I can ever remember

Live, Life, Love;

Because I sit here every night, with every angle that I turn to, and with single every thing that I set sight on, tells me how much I miss you without a single doubt.

I want you to know that with everything that has happened, this heart is still pure to you, because those happy times I had with you, mainly carved the whole picture of my life. I don't know if you knew this, but now I hope you do.

Come back, fall back, take my hand and take this leap, because even the stars fall for us, knowing that you're worth it.

Aku rindu padamu, dan aku tetap akan cinta padamu untuk selama lamanya.

I'm not giving up on us.

*************

Never faltered, never will.

Athazagoraphobia;

And you're sitting right here next to me, with my heart telling my head to hold back my arms from holding you, to hold back my mouth to tell you how much I miss you, to tell my eyes how much I wanna see you.

Worst of all, my heart is telling my heart to hold back from letting you know how much I need you because that's exactly how I'd hope you know.

Let's find new ways to fall apart, together again.

**************

With all these words to say,

and hearts to feel.

Run, Baby, Run;

We could have been stronger, I swear we could.

So listen to this darling, because this is what the heart yearns to let you know.

Its easy for some of us to utter words like 'let it all go, you'd be better that way', words that provide a temporal rift of contentment, a 5-minute empowerment that you'd feel that things will be all right before hitting right back in it again. But nobody knew that following what you've preached would be harder than   anything else in the world.

I apologize for all those times I've put you through, times that you'd had to face the darker side of me that I once swore I'll never show you.  I apologize for the tears streamed through your cheeks, pain that striked your heart, and sleepless nights that I wished I was right there with you. I'm sorry, but that's because I was afraid of losing you again, to fear the state that we're exactly in now.

Because everything I do, still reminds me off you. That feeling when I lie in bed at night alone, remembering all those times you'd ask me random questions that sounded so silly till we'd laugh, or even those silent moments and that's when I'd wish you'd be right here again next to me. Those times where I'd wake up and when I turned my head to the right, the first thing I'll see is you. Those nights where you'd lie on my chest with my arms wrapped around you, though short-lived, but nonetheless gave me a sense of tender-loving-care. Because at the end of the day, no matter how ugly every day would've been, one thing I could tell myself and smile at it was that the fact you are right, right now, and at that point of that, that's all that mattered.

I miss you, and I miss everything about you, the good times and the bad. Those times where you'd make me to watch you cook, then sprung onto me with your arms around my neck while waiting for the water to boil or the rice to cook. Those times where we'd watch documentaries about north korea, and you'd whisper to me, telling me how much you'd want to be there see what it is like. Those times where we'd laugh at each other when other people are around. Those times where you'd ask me what to do, now that a certain friend of yours has came back into your life. Those times where you'd sit with you while you shower, just so you'd have someone to talk to. It's these little moments, that I've taken for granted, not knowing that you were right here with me to indulge in it, and I've always wanted more from you and I apologize. I miss you darling, and trust me, if I'd have a magic bottle with me now, I'd wish it'd take us back to that place where everything was still good, untarnished, and filled with joy.

And it aches me to see where we've placed ourselves at today. To see that in the past, calling you before you'd go to bed or even texting you in the morning, just to wish you a great day at school was easier than answering a multiple choice-d question in an exam, but now even the thought of sending you a text requires a million times more effort just because I'm scared of what I'd face, to know that although I'd say I miss you, it probably wouldn't have an effect on you. And this is what that kills me even more, from day to day, to see that slowly but surely, we'd slipping away into oblivion, a point of no return. I don't want to lose you, I'm not ready to lose you, and I'm not going to let you go just yet, because no matter how tough it is, no matter how much I say I'm walking off, the fact is, I'm not strong enough, not strong enough to know that the girl that pierced through every inch of armor built around my heart and conquered it to be out within my reach. Because I still love you with every single memory that's left of us, and every glimmering hope that one day, you'd find your way back to this.

This is probably the third time I'm telling you how much I miss you, because I really really do. I don't know how else to let you know this, but neither do I know how to keep it all in when it's growing exponentially by the hour. I wished that we'd still call each other at night, even if its keeping quiet at the other end of the line, because at least I'd know that for that 10 second gap, you're right here with me. I pray, and I pray, and I pray.

So please, with your evermore gracious heart, I wish that you'd be here right next to me, to give this one more chance, to open yourself to all the things that might be made possible together, be it now, or sooner in time, when you're ready, because I'm not going anywhere. I still want to be the one who'll make you feel like the queen of the world, I want to be the one who'll take away the very definition of sorrow from your life's dictionary. I still want to be the one who'll give you more than what a girl would ever get. Nobody deserves to give up on the ones they love, and its because you still have a grip on every inch of my heart, that I'm not going to give up on the one I hold dearest to, you.

I love you, Lee Min Yen, and I hope that with your white eyes, you'd see this. I love you with every single raindrop that falls from the sky, telling you that a boy has never loved a girl this way before, and I hope that deep down in you, theres a part of you which sees this and hopefully feels the same way. I love you, I love you, and I love you more than you'd ever know.

My heart's filled with faith, only to pour it on you in the most glamourous way possible.

I love you from the bottom of my heart and soul, always and forever. I've never stopped loving you, not for a second, or a momentarily pause in time.

Hold on darling bee, it's all going to get better, because no matter what they say, they'd never know the happiness that you've filled my life with, the joy that you've managed to make me feel, and the love that you've made me cherish.

Love is about giving chances, when there are no more chances left, so light up, light up, because even if you cannot hear my voice, I'd be right beside you dear.

*******************

You've got the faith, 

that I could bring paradise.

Stay Young, Stay Foolish;

Because no matter how hard I try to fight this, how hard I try to convince myself, my mind wouldnt release me from the grips of your heart, and my heart wouldn't free me from the touch of your soul.

It's because it is through you, that I've learned to never give up on the things easily, especially the ones that you love the most. And it's because it is through you, that you have made me a better person, to see things from a different perspective, to not take things for granted, to cherish every living moment when the moment's still here. And it's because it is through you, that you've taught me how to love unconditionally, no matter how rough the seas are, to not give up on hope, to hold on to faith because these are the things that will bring you closer to that little thing that you've always fought for one day.

Lover, that one thing that I treasure more than the riches of the world, is you and always will be you.

So tell me darling, tell me everything that you want to say, tell me every little thing, because I'm here to stay and I'm not running away ever.

Come what may, I promise you this, that your heart is always safe with me.

I love you like how a baby loves his first chocolate cake, and truth be told, I'll always love you forever and always.

It's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything I do, I'd do it all again.

*****************

Live, dream, fear.