Hold You, Feel You, Touch You, Always;

And I guess I now know why they say that the darkest times of the day falls between 3 am to 3.30am, because tonight, thoughts and memories all came rushing through my mind, almost like a soldier firing an artillery of bullets right straight through the head, each piercing the very sole painful area in which I've longed tried to buried.

 

And tonight, I'm just going to pour out my heart for you because I don't know how else to say that I love you with every inch of muscle that works within my heart, so listen closely, for these are the very sole poems of the heart that has been kept for you, and only you.

I remember that very first night when Pardeep first showed me a picture of you 9 months ago, and somehow, I had this small tickle through my spine when I first laid eyes on you, virtually. It was that kinda feeling one way or another, you'd just know that this person is going to special, but you don't know how it'd happen, and when. But I thank god everyday for colliding our paths ever since then, because honestly, you've been nothing but a blessing, from the way you are, the nature of your heart, the way your smile is carved on your face, the way you know just the right things to say to make my heart race and most of all, the kinda love you give me effortlessly which completed me as a whole.

Things might not have worked out for the best between us, and I admit, things could have been better and more colourful, but I've never looked back or regretted any of it. Because not matter what, one thing's for sure, I've never given up faith on us, not for a second, not even the thought about it, because I knew that when you first laid your heart on my chest that very night in my room, I knew that you were that very one soul out of the 5.9 billion people that I've always been looking for, and I knew that I'd be a fool if I were to just let you slip away like that, to let go of what I knew was precious to me. The thought of you, the picture of your face, the sound of your voice, the touch of your hands, the texture of your lips, the warmth of your hugs is something that plays through my mind everyday, almost like a recorder which only has the loop button because when I think of you, and everything about you, it all feels so surreal, to be able to feel that warmth as if we were still living in that very moment, in a moment where I felt complete, in a moment where I knew we were genuinely happy knowing that we had each other by our sides to conquer whatever that was ahead of us, in a moment where I feel privileged to be able to give my heart to you and still love you till the very ends of the earth.

And words can only say so much about how much I miss you and how much I long for you to fall back into my arms to wrap you around them tighter than ever before, just to give you that sense of security and that promise that I'd be here for you through it all no matter what, no matter when. I love the way you're insecure about your dressing at times, but yet you'd pull off breath taking outfits everytime, I love the way you'd whip all your hair to one side and make that fringe of yours just to tease me, I miss how you're so enthusiastic whenever you talk about your make up, I miss the way you shout at me, I miss the way you'd scold me whenever I do or say something stupid, I love the way you'd cook for me late at night even though you're dead tired, just to make sure I wouldn't go to bed hungry, I miss all the smoke breaks we had whenever we're revising for exams, I miss the nights where you'd sit infront of me with your head on my chest whenever we watch crime watch before we sleep, I miss the way you'd smile at me over skype, I miss the way we'd stare into each other's eyes and know just how lucky I am to have you right here, right now, I miss the way you call me fat, I miss the way you'd tell me about your day, I miss the way you'd overthink sometimes, I miss hugging you in the cold, I miss holding your hand and walk to dinni's for lunch everyday,  I miss watching you fall asleep every night just to know that you're safe next to me, I miss the way you'd steal the blankets off me, I miss waking up to you in the morning and sleeping next to you at night, I miss the way I'd whisper 'Good morning, baby' every morning which giving you a forehead kiss, and honestly, all these images, the feeling that we shared, they all still pump through my blood everyday, like cocaine, raw cocaine.

I miss you, I love you and everything about you, the good, the bad, and everything in between, without a doubt, because to love you is to be with you through thick and thin, through it all.

I don't need all the gemstones or fame in the world, I don't need the shooting stars or the moon to smile back at me,  for all I need is your steady hand, your kind soul to keep my heart with, and to know that I'd be able to fall asleep and wake up, knowing that my heart is save with you and all the love that I have for you. Therefore, I'm not giving up, even if it takes me to walk a thousand miles, or wait for a thousand years, because what you've gave me, what you are to me makes it all worthwhile, even if its just being able to hold you for a day, I'd still do whatever it takes. The happiness, peace, solitude, and joy you give me whenever you are around me is irreplaceable, and for me, its something that I'd pray for every night.

I've fell in love with you ever since 8 months ago and I've never stopped loving you, and I promise to always love you, just because you're the only girl who's managed to sweep me off my feet and steal my heart every time I see you, and you'd somehow have this magical force that would pull me right back to you whenever you're around me. I may not be the most romantic of guys, but I promise you that I will be the truest, most honest, most sincere, most genuine, and most loving guy that you'd ever encounter in your life so far. This is my oath to you, this is what I'll provide you with endlessly, and my promise that I vow to keep no matter what gets in the way, if you'd allow me the chance to show you and let you feel it all.

'My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewellery, 
whichever you'd prefer.'

I love you, Rhyannae Santoso Lee Min Yen, and you will always always be that girl whom I'll always want to the prince to, and the girl who'll never fail to make my heart flutter with the sound of your name <3.

Always and forever, forever and always till the rivers all run dry, always remember this, do remember, and I'll hope that you'll see this through with me.

*****************

May you live to a hundred,

and for me, a hundred minus one,

so that I'll never know that a beautiful person like you, has passed away.