We could have been stronger, I swear we could.
So listen to this darling, because this is what the heart yearns to let you know.
Its easy for some of us to utter words like 'let it all go, you'd be better that way', words that provide a temporal rift of contentment, a 5-minute empowerment that you'd feel that things will be all right before hitting right back in it again. But nobody knew that following what you've preached would be harder than anything else in the world.
I apologize for all those times I've put you through, times that you'd had to face the darker side of me that I once swore I'll never show you. I apologize for the tears streamed through your cheeks, pain that striked your heart, and sleepless nights that I wished I was right there with you. I'm sorry, but that's because I was afraid of losing you again, to fear the state that we're exactly in now.
Because everything I do, still reminds me off you. That feeling when I lie in bed at night alone, remembering all those times you'd ask me random questions that sounded so silly till we'd laugh, or even those silent moments and that's when I'd wish you'd be right here again next to me. Those times where I'd wake up and when I turned my head to the right, the first thing I'll see is you. Those nights where you'd lie on my chest with my arms wrapped around you, though short-lived, but nonetheless gave me a sense of tender-loving-care. Because at the end of the day, no matter how ugly every day would've been, one thing I could tell myself and smile at it was that the fact you are right, right now, and at that point of that, that's all that mattered.
I miss you, and I miss everything about you, the good times and the bad. Those times where you'd make me to watch you cook, then sprung onto me with your arms around my neck while waiting for the water to boil or the rice to cook. Those times where we'd watch documentaries about north korea, and you'd whisper to me, telling me how much you'd want to be there see what it is like. Those times where we'd laugh at each other when other people are around. Those times where you'd ask me what to do, now that a certain friend of yours has came back into your life. Those times where you'd sit with you while you shower, just so you'd have someone to talk to. It's these little moments, that I've taken for granted, not knowing that you were right here with me to indulge in it, and I've always wanted more from you and I apologize. I miss you darling, and trust me, if I'd have a magic bottle with me now, I'd wish it'd take us back to that place where everything was still good, untarnished, and filled with joy.
And it aches me to see where we've placed ourselves at today. To see that in the past, calling you before you'd go to bed or even texting you in the morning, just to wish you a great day at school was easier than answering a multiple choice-d question in an exam, but now even the thought of sending you a text requires a million times more effort just because I'm scared of what I'd face, to know that although I'd say I miss you, it probably wouldn't have an effect on you. And this is what that kills me even more, from day to day, to see that slowly but surely, we'd slipping away into oblivion, a point of no return. I don't want to lose you, I'm not ready to lose you, and I'm not going to let you go just yet, because no matter how tough it is, no matter how much I say I'm walking off, the fact is, I'm not strong enough, not strong enough to know that the girl that pierced through every inch of armor built around my heart and conquered it to be out within my reach. Because I still love you with every single memory that's left of us, and every glimmering hope that one day, you'd find your way back to this.
This is probably the third time I'm telling you how much I miss you, because I really really do. I don't know how else to let you know this, but neither do I know how to keep it all in when it's growing exponentially by the hour. I wished that we'd still call each other at night, even if its keeping quiet at the other end of the line, because at least I'd know that for that 10 second gap, you're right here with me. I pray, and I pray, and I pray.
So please, with your evermore gracious heart, I wish that you'd be here right next to me, to give this one more chance, to open yourself to all the things that might be made possible together, be it now, or sooner in time, when you're ready, because I'm not going anywhere. I still want to be the one who'll make you feel like the queen of the world, I want to be the one who'll take away the very definition of sorrow from your life's dictionary. I still want to be the one who'll give you more than what a girl would ever get. Nobody deserves to give up on the ones they love, and its because you still have a grip on every inch of my heart, that I'm not going to give up on the one I hold dearest to, you.
I love you, Lee Min Yen, and I hope that with your white eyes, you'd see this. I love you with every single raindrop that falls from the sky, telling you that a boy has never loved a girl this way before, and I hope that deep down in you, theres a part of you which sees this and hopefully feels the same way. I love you, I love you, and I love you more than you'd ever know.
My heart's filled with faith, only to pour it on you in the most glamourous way possible.
I love you from the bottom of my heart and soul, always and forever. I've never stopped loving you, not for a second, or a momentarily pause in time.
Hold on darling bee, it's all going to get better, because no matter what they say, they'd never know the happiness that you've filled my life with, the joy that you've managed to make me feel, and the love that you've made me cherish.
Love is about giving chances, when there are no more chances left, so light up, light up, because even if you cannot hear my voice, I'd be right beside you dear.
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You've got the faith,
that I could bring paradise.
